by Mayrann Turner

PASSAGES

1984

Life went on. To protect myself from the turmoil around me, I went into a shell. Time was my friend, as it marched on, I became numb to most emotions.

Although I was in a shell, I was always subconsciously reaching out to find someone to trust and to love completely. I found Bea.

I don't ever remember meeting Bea; I always knew her. She was a year older than me and she was my best friend. With her, I was free from the stress and worry of my young life. We ran and played. We were carefree. Sometimes we would sit in the grass and watch the clouds, shaped like animals, float by. At other times, we would steal apples plums from someone's tree in the neighborhood who we thought was a meanie. But most of the time, just enjoyed being with each other, holding hands and walking by the bayou. relationship Our and pure. Even in our small, religious town, we could kiss or slow dance openly and "be cute". Bea was the only person besides Mama that I had ever loved. I began to trust her: I began to emerge from my shell.

and

was

rare

was

As Bea and I grew older, her sisters and classmates began to tease her about our relationship. They said that she acting like I was her "boyfriend" instead Because of of just another girlfriend. this, Bea grew distant towards me until finally, we were almost like strangers. It had happened again, I had loved and trusted and I had been hurt. I decided then that it would never Bea started associating happen again. with other people: I withdrew into my

shell.

Oh,

Continued from June/July issue

Two incidents added fuel to my love for Miss Strawberry. We were having another election for the homecoming court. The smartest girl and the smartest boy were to be elected. Since Miss Strawberry knew that I was the smartest girl and Kenneth was the smartest boy, she disbanded the election and chose Freshman representatives. Not very democratic, but very fair. I was in seventh heaven and I loved Miss Strawberry.

us as

The second incident that further endeared Miss Strawberry to me had to do with my motion sickness. Several students from grades nine through twelve had been selected to go to a major university to compete academically with students from all over the state. I was riding in the car with the principal, Miss Strawberry, and two other students. About halfway through the trip, into hilly country. Up and down, up and down, I I began to "Oh no, sweat profusely. thought, "I am really going to throw up. I let the window down for fresh air, but it was winter and everyone complained of the cold. Up went the window. I was doomed. More sweating. "Breathe deeply

ran

and think of something else"...Too late, we went down a deep hill and up came the contents of my stomach. We pulled off to the side of the road--everyone was looking at me and I was sooooo embarassed.

was

the pointing

situation.

Miss Strawberry handled While and everyone snickering, she tenderly sponged all that mess off me Then, she put her cool fingers on my forehead and tenderly held my shaking body in her arms the rest of the trip. Being in her was worth all the embarassment

...

arms

Integration came and everything went haywire. Both Miss Strawberry and I were transferred to different schools. Yet another time that someone I had loved was taken away from me.

At sixteen, I entered college. I stayed at young, commuted the 80 miles each day.

was

the

Because I had nothing else to do, I studied and read a lot; as a result I excelled in school. None of the other students liked me because of this. they pretended that they did, but I knew better. Like the time we were in eighth grade and we were for voting homecoming court. I was nominated. was sure to win because all of my "friends" had pledged to vote for Well, we had a heads-on-your-desk-raise- your-hand election; I peeped and saw that all of my "friends" voted against me. After the election was over, they were sorry that I had lost. I was repulsed. Was there no one besides Mama that I could trust?

me.

When I was in the ninth grade, I had Miss Strawberry for homeroom and English. I had always been smart, but in Miss Strawberry's class, I blossomed. I never got less than an "A" on any exam that she gave. I was enamored of her.

Since I home and Despite

the fact that I was in constant turmoil because of the way things were at home, I managed to do well that first year in college. I vowed to myself that I would

龍級

move the next year.

The first day that campus dormitory, I release and relief. fights, and fear. be different now.

I moved into the breathed a sigh of No more drunkedness, Things were going to

I had a few dates but after a while I stopped seeing men because they all left me feeling so empty. Clearly something was lacking.